Always doubt

She is a Latina, even worse she is Cuban, and by her age she can easily be my daughter. My fear is to hear again: What are you thinking, to become a babysitter? Her black eyes remind me of a moonless night; her hair is jet black that refuses to die after the Blondie paint she uses. The black roots always go forward; I do not think she can outsmart them. Well, she has a perfect face. The front view of her, reveals breasts that are not very large or very small. But, I realized after seeing her in front of me and modeling in a catwalk that she has a perfect ass. I realized that this part of her body is just perfect. I felt like a mathematician who had discovered the solution to a problem that pestered all his life: that the perfect curvature of the circle is achievable. I wanted to get the compass and make imaginary steps to verify that my theory is true. Oh my God, in every sense of the word, she is a Goddess. But here comes the bad, she has an unhealthy obsession for Hello Kitty and also, I resent the fact that she spends a good amount of her time sending text messages on her iPhone 4s, which is also decorated with little Hello Kitty motives. Her obsession with Hello Kitty is such, that I can bet to lose one of my fingers, that she has a little Hello Kitty tattoo on a hidden place of her curvy body. Before her, I was fascinated by the iPhone. Some say that, between love and hate, there is only one step, and I already crossed that gap. Before her, I bought several iPhone, because I used to love having these gadgets, and by the way my AT&T bills became astronomical. I have always loved the iPhone, but now, while I seeing her sending text messages, I look at her, she looks at me, and I can say with my look that I want to pull the blessed gadget in the air and make it by the force of gravity to pull down and make it destroyed, because I do not want to admit that she devotes more attention to that blessed iPhone than to me. I just give away my iPhone and all its accessories, to my sister, something I never would have done if she did not cross my path. Look that up, I also shed a few tears when Steve Jobs died, something that I think, I would not make, even in the case that one of my relatives would die. What terrifies me the most about her obsession with Hello Kitty, is that, one day she would decide to decorate my room with Hello Kitty motives, something I simply could not accept. Another thing, and perhaps the strongest reason that could separate us, is that her last name is Pacheco. Imagine a family name like mine: Soto, mixing with a Pacheco. I’ll have to appeal to the relevant legal authorities and require her to change her last name. I will promise her: heaven and earth. I will promise her that monogamy will become my new religion, and that I will no longer stop by the Hard Rock’s clubs until five o’clock, sexually pleasing drunken blonds who want to kill their stress in their sleepless nights. I will tell her that I won’t come back to Tootsie’s anymore. The only thing I regret about this is that these dancers will miss me so much. I go there too many often. Many of these strippers even make indecent proposals to me, all the time, and they usually offer me jobs for free, because I’m always broke, which is my karma. Well in essence, I will promise her to be the perfect partner. I noted that my classes at the university do not start on January 5, but January 9, raising four hundred years to my life, without being able to see her. I promise that on the first day that I have her in front of me, under a threat, I’ll take my dwarf version of the Rambo’s knife, that I always carry in my backpack, for security reasons, and I will tell her that I will cut off my veins in front of her, and she will be the sole responsible for my death, unless she gives me her phone number, and she adds me on Face book, now is a good thing not to have her in my Face book because she cannot see the nonsense I am writing about her; also she has to give me all the cyberspace accounts associated with her name.

I’ve noticed in certain comments and in the manner of treatment of certain “friends and family”, I don’t know if it is my imagination, which is the probably the certain, and I could call them, jealousy and envy, and I think that I am not the person who you should envy because I am only a poor devil, without work, without women, and with no children, the Indians considered a curse have no children. Besides, coming from people with nice families and with children, with work, I do not think that this is fair. I have no work; I have to collect the cents that I pick up on the floors, in the University and other places, to buy me a bottle of soda for $1.25. I have, basically to road all day carrying a heavy backpack. I have no girlfriend, I’ve never had, the only time that I fell in love with was at age 12, to Amelia, whom I will never forget, but then it began the comments of the people and my own family, who said that she was with his teacher, she was 11 years old, one older man and they even say that, they have seen her kissing him. Although, I didn’t credit that, anyway, she went to the forest and from that point on, became part of my memories. In Peru, women never were interested in me, and at the University, as “Kick Ass” used to say: -I was a superhero, whose greatest superpower was to be invisible for women-, if they ever talked to me was to thank me, because perhaps I had picked up a pencil for them. I have never had intercourse with a woman without paying money for it. And that is why I believe that prostitutes are the first who will be going to heaven. Only once, I was with a girl, and I almost forced the intercourse, but it cannot be considered rape because she wanted to be with me. The truth is that, I’m not the one that you should envy. Among my own brothers, some have the worst concept of my person and knowing that I have no car, they don’t want to borrow me their car, because they believe that I am a drunk and that I’m going to collide, needless to say my sisters-in-law believe that I like little girls. In Peru, I never got a good job and until today I’m unemployed. It seems that I was not able to pass the psychological tests. In Peru, I was interned in a psychiatric hospital because I was diagnosed as schizophrenic. My uncle took me there, on false pretenses, and 4 black fat big guys took me and I fought against them, but it was useless. Even that at that time I was practicing Aikido. As I said, it was not enough to fight against them, and then they injected me, and sedate me and tied me to a bed. They prescribed me very powerful pills to control schizophrenia and kept me sedated throughout the day and in bed. So, I spent several months trying to recover lying on a bed all day. I have never recovered from the things that happened to me in that hospital. I used to be always a free person and never been captivated until that episode in my life. In this place: “Hermilio Valdizán”, they tied me to a bed several days while my mom, according to her, was watching with pain through the window. I never recover from that shock, and I was lying all day in bed for months, taking very strong medication that could have killed me, insofar, as they affected the rhythms of my heart, and could have given me a heart attack. So far, I have diabetes thanks to that. I have to exercise every day to keep my sugar levels low and it happened once that I was about to die because my sugar soared to 500. I have no medical insurance. I have no sex since two years ago, because I don’t have the $400 that prostitutes charge at Tootsie’s, where they are exotic dancers and also you can have sex with them. Also in the clubs, which I frequent, rarely girls make me case, they always choose other more fortunate than me and I always see another guy carried the girl who could be with me, in the unlikely event that this could be real. And, if a girl ever dances with me, usually after 30 seconds or so, she is giving me the thanks and always walking away. In Peru, I felt in the eyes of women disgust and contempt. On the other hand, on the academic side, I could not learn the table of multiply until high school and my friends always teased me for that. In elementary school, they liked to call me “Choclito”, because according to them I was an Indian, needless to say, girls never made me case. What I was always interested was Literature, but I entered Economics in a very prestigious university of Peru: University of Pacific. Then, I had to leave my career because I thought that Mathematics was very strong and that I had never become an economist in this university. I’ve change my career to business administration and my notes were always low. So, I am not the person who you must envy, taking in consideration that you have: health, money and love. Moreover, I already pass 40 years old and I’m too older, as some of you always remember me.